Are you in a relationship or an arrangement?
You’ve probably heard the phrase “situationship”, a casual type of connection based on inconsistent levels of interest, but are you in an arrangement disguised as a relationship?
No one sets out for their relationship (romantic or platonic) to fall into arrangement patterns, but you know you’re there if you’re feeling like emotional and/or physical intimacy is limited and the way you feel around your partner is stale. Unfortunately, unlike day-old bread, an attachment to another person is more difficult to dispose of. There’s frustration, yes, but then what?
Clients come to me, and think they’re in a relationship. Why does our relationship feel so unsatisfying? So empty? So lackluster? The answer is easy. It’s probably not a relationship.
Unspoken rules are the cornerstone of arrangements, as well as high levels of codependency and low levels of reciprocity. One person usually benefits highly while the other person sacrifices and plays nice to keep the “relationship” afloat. Whether it’s financial, mental, or emotional, one person gives more than the other, orbiting around their partner’s needs, while swinging back and forth from relief to resentment.
Think of it as one person is the boss and one person is the employee.
A real relationship is based on mutual levels of generosity, compromise, vulnerability, self-responsibility, and shared values for the future. No person’s “world” is more important or more superior. Both people in the relationship matter. Each person’s dreams matter. Each person’s goals matter. Each person’s friends and family matter. You have what is called interdependence between two individuals. This looks like two people depending on each other to build a life that is reflective of both individual’s interests and needs.
Below are the signs that you’re in an arrangement.
One person has financial control.
One person’s hobbies, friends, interests, career, etc. are prioritized over the other.
Certain topics, places, and people are off-limits.
You don’t feel safe expressing sadness or disappointment.
There’s a lack of physical affection without sex.
There is a lack of honesty to “keep the peace”.
You feel resentful, but continue to over-give.
There is a lack of flexibility and spontaneity.
“Happy spouse happy house” is an arrangement.
An emotionally mature and sufficient spouse and, a satisfied house, is a relationship.
When we succumb to an arrangement, we are limiting the way we give and receive love. We’re limiting our worth down to a transactional type of acceptance. We are indirectly saying “I’m only valued in this relationship IF…..”
Transforming an arrangement into a relationship is possible, but not something that happens overnight. It takes BOTH partners committed to growth. Feeling alone in wanting more? There is always hope if you’re willing to go inward to your own wounding. One person can definitely change the water by doing their own work, thereby creating different interpersonal dynamics.
The best part of courage is that it’s contagious. Change inevitably follows.
