How Much Personal Development Does It Take To Reach the Center of Happiness?
The number of self-development books I’ve read since 9th grade is enough to build a small single-family home. When I wasn’t on the treadmill, my second favorite place to hang out throughout my twenties and early thirties was the self-help section of Barnes and Noble. I was always running and always searching. Can you relate? If you took all the podcasts, YouTube videos, reels, Instagram posts, courses, books, etc. you’ve consumed to improve your life and be happier, how much time, energy, and money would that be?
Looking for the golden ticket to feeling good and content in my life and my relationships was a full-time job. Unfortunately though, at the age of 36, all the self-help material in the world couldn’t prevent my unraveling, and the inevitable dissolution of my 13-year marriage. How could that have happened? I had a Master’s degree in counseling, I had been in therapy on and off since college, I taught Sunday school, and I had read a million books, but what I didn’t understand, and what I see in clients I work with today, is that it’s not that all this information isn’t enough, it’s not the right prescription to the problem.
Our "Problems" Elicit Difficult Emotions
How we feel about a problem makes it a problem. If we felt happy about said problem we wouldn't consider it a problem. This makes our problems emotional at their core, and why it's so important to solve them on an emotional level.
Anything we read or listen to goes right into the part of our brain that is aware. Psychologists call this part our consciousness. Our conscious mind is wonderful for processing information, completing tasks, and creativity. However, when it comes to how we feel about ourselves and 90% of the choices we make it has very little influence.
A common example of this occurs in dating. You consciously make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner. It’s a wonderful list, and you feel good about the person that comprises each component you see in front of you. Then you go on a date. The person in front of you has everything on the list, but something is missing. There isn’t a spark. You consciously believe that due to the lack of “connection” you are feeling that this person isn’t “the one”, and you continue on your quest. Later in the week, you meet someone and immediately you feel a spark. Consciously you tell yourself they aren’t a good fit, maybe there are some red flags, but you can’t quit thinking about them, and the connection you feel. Eventually for most of us, the subconscious wins the battle, and you choose someone that doesn’t match what you say you want. After the fog of chemistry lifts, dissatisfaction, and old feelings creep in, and you find yourself asking how did I get here again?
This is one example of how our subconscious does not look out for our happiness, but rather it seeks to find people and situations that will confirm what it already believes is true about us. That means that the 90% of our brain that is subconscious is driving us to choose certain partners, go after specific career goals, and feel the way we feel about everything from food to fun to our faith. Yes, your subconscious beliefs even impact the way you feel about God.
What I see over and over again is women and men criticizing themselves, because even though they’ve recommitted to consciously making different choices, and had many light bulb moments of awareness, remorse, and self-discovery, in the moment of choice, they fall victim to their emotions and old patterns of thinking and behaving. They don’t take the job, they sabotage their goals, choose against their better judgment, pick a fight, and/or react uncontrollably in anger just to end up on a guest list of one at their pity party. Then they label themselves a failure and a fraud. Shame inevitably follows as well as another visit to…you guessed it…the self-help section. There’s a new book, a new theory, a new promise, a new diagnosis, and the cycle continues.
Information is helpful, but it’s not what changes the way you feel. It doesn’t change your behavior long-term. You might think “This time I’m going to choose this type of person” or “I’m never doing that again '' and before you know it, you feel the same way you have felt a million times before. It’s not more information you need to consume, it’s the way you digest it that has to change.
A few signs that your subconscious is driving your choices:
You feel frustrated or hopeless in your relationships.
You think to yourself “I can’t” a lot.
No matter what type of person you date or how much money you make, you still feel stressed, fearful, and like a failure.
You say you want one thing, but keep making choices that produce the opposite result of what you say you want. (money, health, intimacy, time, peace, etc)
You compare yourself to others to measure whether or not you’re ok.
You feel stuck repeating the same behaviors.
You look like a success, but beneath the surface, you’re a walking wound.
So what’s the answer to changing the way we feel? How do we change the way we operate in the world if it’s not in more information? How can we get our subconscious and our conscious mind to become friends, and work together so we can feel the way we say we want to feel in life and quit repeating the same patterns of behavior that leave us defeated? We have to begin by working with what most of us have been avoiding and/or unaware of our entire lives, our subconscious beliefs about ourselves. This is where I come in.
I work with clients to get to the root of their behaviors.
Samantha's Story
When Samantha reached out to me, she was living in anxiety, and experiencing monthly panic attacks. To cope with this, she was leaving the house less and less. Her world continued to shrink to manage her anxiety. She went to church every Sunday, prayed daily to be rescued from her pain, and read her bible feverishly, but nothing changed. What Samantha didn’t realize was she was trying to solve an emotional problem with intellectual material, which doesn’t work. As we worked together, Samantha’s ability to feel emotions began to increase which then lessened her fear of the unknown. She began to step into solutions instead of hiding. Her confidence in herself grew as she accepted herself, and began sharing who she was with others. In only a few months, she felt hopeful and empowered.
Put it all on a shelf....literally!
One of the first things I tell clients when we begin working together is to take a break from personal development material. From there, we journey together from a life of trying to feel good to one that feels good with less effort. This is what I want for everyone, and why I became a coach myself. Happiness isn't something you work harder to experience. It isn't found in a book or a seminar. It's found inside of you. You just need help locating it.
