Not speaking the same love language? There’s a reason why.
Rarely do we attract and choose someone whose “love language” mirrors our own. This is one of the most common areas of friction I see between couples. Each person desperate to feel loved and valued by the other person, but limited in how they can give and receive it.
When we operate from our conditioning, we limit ourselves.
Many view each of the 5 love languages as a part of our personality that is wired into our DNA. Meaning, you would have had to come into the world as an infant, with an innate desire to show others love by only serving or only giving gifts. Doubtful. Most babies, that are being raised in healthy and safe environments, show love in a variety of ways. They bring you their toy, they hug, they give kisses, they desire to play with you, and once they are toddlers they often want to “help”.
When I hear the phrase “love language” I hear “the way I was conditioned to express love as a child”. It doesn’t take long before our environment and the modeling of our caregivers begin to communicate that certain love languages are embraced in the home and others are rejected. As a result, the natural essence of the way we were designed to love, changes from a holistic all-encompassing language of expression, to one or two methods that we interpreted as acceptable in childhood.
When couples sit in front of me, they typically have one or two ways to comfortably communicate love to their partner. Often, and not coincidentally, the other partner communicates love differently. Both have one or two tools in their toolbox and wonder why, with only a few tools in total, there is a lack of feeling loved and valued in the relationship. My question is, why would there be anything more?
The reason we choose someone with a different love language is because deep down, we are desperate for wholeness.
Your partner’s “love language” can be something you try to fix or change, or it can be a mirror for the parts of yourself you rejected as a way to feel loved and valued in your childhood environment. Instead of trying to change the other person’s love language or force them to receive and feel complete with the love language you speak, the solution is to look inward and challenge yourself to explore the ways of loving that you have been disconnected from since childhood.
My husband has taught me so much in my journey towards wholeness. Opening myself up to being someone that is physically affectionate and/or someone that spends quality time doing nothing together, has allowed me to embrace parts of myself that I never knew existed. And, it feels really good. As uncomfortable as it was in the beginning, I can honestly say that now, I feel the most ME that I’ve ever felt.
Experiencing an abundance of love takes integration.
It’s not about evolving and integrating these lost parts of ourselves for the other person though. It's about evolving for our own personal well-being and sense of security. Connecting to the true essence of who we are as human beings, and the way we were meant to express love, impacts how we feel about ourselves. Fully integrating the rejected parts of ourselves increases confidence in ourselves and our relationships. It increases our self-worth because we’re no longer devaluing ourselves and each other by putting ourselves in a limited toolbox of how to give and receive love. Then we can love from a place of wholeness, and together….truly heal.
