What ALWAYS happens to you?

What is your “always”?

I love this question because it sheds light on where you’re subconsciously creating your reality.

How?

Story time.

I’ve been married twice. Emotionally available and securely attached only in one of the two, but that’s another story for another day.

The first time I got married I was young. I was a people-pleasing addict, perfectionist, a “good girl”, followed the rules, and tried to always do the right thing. I believed marrying the right guy would rescue me from all my inadequacies. I never expected that my future in-laws would see me as not good enough. I had the perfect relationship resume! Much to my surprise 3 months after dating, they encouraged my ex-husband to break up with me. I’ll spare you the why. Regardless, it was devastating. Instead of seeing this situation as a problem and a red flag, I worked harder.

I tried for years to get their approval. I did all the right things, helped clean up after dinner, tried to stay small/perfect, agonized each year over what gifts to buy on holidays, etc. All the while though, I was secretly seething with anger that I couldn’t get their approval. Year after year I showed up to family dinners and events with a fake smile on my face, and strategies for acceptance in my heart, but nothing worked long-term.

Fast forward 13 years. I’m newly separated, dating someone I’m crazy about, working on my anxious/avoidant attachment style, and excited to have another chance at the in-law relationship I’ve always wanted. The first one had to be a fluke right? I mean, I’d never even had an enemy before (to my knowledge), so it couldn’t have been me. Wrong.

Oh, the universe has a funny sense of humor.

No longer the young, innocent, and perfect-good girl. I was now a divorcee with literal and figurative “baggage”. And, as much as they seemed to like me upon our first few get-togethers, in the end, my new boyfriend’s family didn’t accept me or our relationship. I'll spare you the specifics, but once again.....it was devastating.

At this point, this pattern of rejection is not only seeming personal but also too weird to be a coincidence. I didn’t know one person who had their in-laws reject them, much less twice?! What was wrong with me?

I share this example with the full awareness that you might read my story and go well, Legan, it must have been you. I can't say I blame you.

The truth was, it was me….thankfully.

Our patterns are our responsibility and will continue to appear until we show up differently. I knew this, and as much as I hated that it was happening again, I was ready and willing to do something differently.

I was working with a relationship coach at the time, and approaching life with a newfound intention…..one of self-worth. So this time, I didn’t try and win anyone over. I accepted the rejection, the concerns about me, and the absence of the in-law relationship I had always hoped would happen for me. I felt the disappointment, and I let it come and go in waves, over the next 6 years.

For the first time, I didn’t try to control someone’s perception of me. I lived my life and pursued a deeper relationship with myself. As a result, I fell deeper and deeper in love with my life and those in it. At 38 years old, it was the happiest I had ever been. By not trying to control someone else's narrative about me, I learned to be someone who loves.

We are not loving others when we’re trying to get something from them. I needed to learn how to be enough for myself with or without the validation and acceptance of my in-laws. Their rejection of me was a mirror of how I was rejecting my worth and value. The other cool thing that happened this time around was that my husband fiercely supported me. I felt loved, protected, and prioritized in a way I had never felt before. It was wonderful. And, I’m happy to say that now, we are in his parents' lives again. I love them very much, and they love me too. But either way, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. It's just a bonus. My love for them and my love for myself became enough. It felt like freedom.

That’s the gift of patterns. You are not someone destined to be rejected or struggle through life. You are someone with an opportunity. You can look at your patterns, and be honest with why they might be showing up again, or you can keep trying to control them with strategies that have proven ineffective in the past.

If you can’t get there on your own you’re normal. I had a Master's degree in counseling and had read the entire self-help section at Barnes and Noble, and I still couldn’t see how my buried beliefs were creating my reality. Find help, and look at your pattern through the lens of empathy and enlightenment. That is where your power always lies.