How to feel worthy in a externally invalidating world.
“I look around at my life and I have everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve worked so hard for, and I can’t enjoy it. I can’t relax on vacation unless everything goes perfectly, and when I lay in bed at night, my mind races. I feel guilty….like I should be doing something.”
- Client
What is worth?
In short, it’s the feeling of deserving. Whether that’s a bouquet of flowers, a compliment, time off, a promotion, money, consistent and healthy relationships, attention, or an afternoon nap. Worth communicates to us that whatever we are receiving is good and safe, because at our core- we are good and safe.
If there is something in your life you don’t have but want, the issue is not that you are unworthy. Rather, the issue is you don’t believe in every cell of your being, that you deserve what you want.
Ironically, the largest group of unworthy individuals are the over-achievers. These are the perfectionists that love feeling accomplished, and rarely can stop their own compulsion for productivity, unless forced.
Telling an over-achiever or someone that identifies as a perfectionist to relax is like telling them to throw themselves off a cliff sans parachute. It doesn’t feel safe, and as much as they wish they could, there’s too much judgement around relaxation to actually do it.
Why do we attach our identity to productivity and perfectionism?
Hard work is a virtue many high-achievers are conditioned is the “right way” to live from a very young age. Typically, our care givers model their values and what makes sense for them. As children, not only do we attach biologically to our caregivers, but we also attach to the emotions and methodologies that our caregivers embody. We pick up on these unspoken rules of life early on. If you follow the rules and work hard, you’ll get what you want.
When clients come to me, they are in pain. These rules for living haven’t worked like they thought they would, and it’s evident in one area or another. They don’t have the reciprocity they want. They don’t have the romantic relationship they want. There might be job dissatisfaction or a lack of feeling valued in their line of work. Whether it’s a baby, a flat belly, or a billion dollars, they believe whatever appears to be lacking, is the key to unlocking happiness.
The truth is, what appears to be lacking, is the lighthouse to where your false sense of unworthiness lies, and is the key to everything you want and deserve.
How comfortable are you relaxing?
As a test, challenge yourself to sit without distraction, for 5 minutes. How comfortable was it to do that?
This gives you insight into your relationship with worth. If we don’t believe we are worthy of 5 minutes of relaxation, there’s a slim chance that we believe we’re worthy of much more. We might know on an intellectual level we are worthy, we might have all the external symbols (house, car, partner, job, money, etc), but the body tells the truth. If the body is restless in an effort to resist stillness, there is a subconscious sense of fear or unsafety around being unproductive.
Change your relationship to worthiness one day at a time with intentional skill building.
That’s right. Believing you are worthy is a skill that you can learn to embody. The good news is that like any skill set, it can be learned. If you are a list maker, not only are you my kindred spirit, but you can start there! When you create your “to do list” for the day, carve out time without any stimuli or productivity whatsoever. Below are some ideas to help you dip your toe in the relaxation pool.
Tackle household responsibilities without any background noise.
No multi-tasking (i.e. just eat lunch without phone or work distractions).
Sit at a table and stare out the window for 5 minutes.
Daydream in the car instead of listening to music or a podcast.
Lie in bed at night, and listen to relaxing music or a good subliminal, instead of scrolling.
Walk slow
Meal prep without the TV on. Just notice the feeling of the present moment and the feeling of cutting and measuring.
Sit and hold hands in silence rather than connecting with your partner through words.
Pause and take a deep breath throughout the day to remind your nervous system that you are safe within the busyness of life.
Life is short….
You’re never too old or young to learn a new skill. I work with clients in their 50s and 60s and they all say the same thing. They wish they learned how to feel worthy sooner. I can relate. Embodying worthiness takes time… that’s to be expected. But it also takes a teacher. The skills we are able to teach ourselves are few and far between.
Emotional well-being is no different. So if you’re struggling to meet your life satisfaction goals, there is hope and more importantly, there is help. What is stopping you? I wonder if worthiness could have something to do with it.
When we stop waiting to be rescued from our anxiety and guilt, and invest in our happiness, we are saying that we are worthy of a life that feels as good as it might appear on the outside. We’re saying we’re worthy to have what we want, to feel better, to know real love and freedom, and to no longer settle for less than we know we deserve.
