Move THROUGH rather than on….the real way to get closure, and let go.
When a relationship ends, the best-case scenario is one where both people feel a sense of peace. Even then, it sometimes takes months or even years before you are no longer haunted by “what could have been.”
That person shows up in your dreams, in songs on the radio, on social media, at old hang-out spots, and with mutual acquaintances. It can feel like the only option for moving on includes a one-way ticket to Mars or a lobotomy.
When we seek closure, we are seeking detachment.
Detachment is the feeling of freedom in your body and clarity in your mind. It’s almost as if you “forget” about the person. Or you remember them, and instead of feeling an inner ache or longing, you feel grateful for what you learned and hopeful for what is to come. This creates free space to be two feet into the present moment rather than the past, with an open heart.
Typical ineffective strategies of letting go are breaking up, moving out, telling ourselves we’re better off, beating ourselves up for not being able to move on, moving states, hypnosis, revenge weight loss, dating or marrying someone new, attending a wellness retreat, workaholism, impulse spending, obtaining some sort of acknowledgment and apology from the other person, and/or “getting out there,” whatever that means.
As you probably know from experience, none of the aforementioned methods heal a hurting heart. They distract, they numb, they make a point, but they don’t give you closure. The ghost of the relationship’s past continues to haunt and continue to hurt.
What does move the needle? Acceptance.
Accepting that you are still attached to someone is the first step towards emotional freedom. This feels scary for clients who are married but still thinking of someone else, or in a great relationship, but they can’t enjoy or truly commit to. Clients feel guilty and afraid that if they accept they are still attached to someone from the past or present, they’ll be stuck and unable to ever move on. This isn’t true, but I get it. I used to think that way too.
When you’re sinking in quicksand, the way to survive is to stop moving. The more we resist our emotions (even the ones we feel guilt or shame around), the more they will linger.
So, if you’re thinking of someone more than you would like, give yourself the gift of acceptance and curiosity. You will immediately feel lighter.
Detaching statements are the opposite of “you need to” and instead sound like:
I love or loved someone who doesn’t know how to love me back the way I need to be loved.
I love or loved someone that didn’t share my values or lifestyle.
I love or loved someone who is in a lot of pain (addicted).
I’m attached to someone outside of my relationship AND I love and care about my current partner very much.
I’m learning about myself through this attachment to my ex.
This attachment benefits me in some way. When it no longer benefits me it will naturally go away.
I forgive myself for not being able to love him/her the way he/she needed.
I sabotaged my past relationship out of fear, and I forgive myself.
I’m choosing someone that can’t choose me back.
I didn’t know how to love my ex, and I’m grateful I have the chance to learn how to be a better partner now.
Moving through the feelings, once you accept where you are, is how you get to the other side.
Acceptance is magical, yet very counterintuitive. We tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel this way or that way in hopes of change. But berating yourself for something you feel only keeps you in an internal conflict. That internal conflict then keeps you in shame and attachment.
If you’re thinking about someone that you don’t want to be thinking about, give yourself the gift of compassion and acceptance. This is the first step to getting closer to what you want - love and freedom.
